Welcome!

Yes Yes Yes!
I bought this diary today! I have always wished a diary like this! The papers are so lean and perfect! And there is even lines to write on!
The latest diary was without lines, and it was so hard to write on, since I havn't been accustomed to write without lines. Thought there are many poeple who write so perfectly on papers without lines.

I will keep you dearly, somewhere no one ever can find you my dear diary
I will take care of you as if you where my own child, at the fact you bear the secrets of my life!

I have a feeling of wanting to lay on a calm water of a lake
Just to shut my eyes and feel as if I'm flying freely
want to lay calmly without moving
And feel the softly wind touch my face nicely

Feel the warming sunlight on my body and on my face

Want to be able to shut my mind from everything it might think of

To just rest my mind and soul

To just have a moment of calmness and peace

 

 

The strange thing which happened today was that I thought  how bad I looked today and how hanging I looked like, as if I was druged. But today a guy, I guess an iraqi guy, he wasn't cute, he even had coloured his hair blond and looked like an idiot. But the thing is that when he saw me he stood a bit still.
" Masshallah" he said to himself I guess, and that surrpriced me. I never thought that I looked even good.
So maybe not everytime we feel as if we look bad, is true. We might be so pretty though.

What is the true beauty in the real?
Have it to be a special beauty to be pretty?
I guess the beauty depends on how the person is.
A person so normal, can be so pretty just if that one is kind and nice to everyone around.
A person so cute, can even be so ugly, just if that one is evil and unkind to everyone.
So the beauty of the soul is more important than the beauty of the body.
The person can even see itself so pretty just if that one feel happy
But if the person doesn't feel good and feel sad, that one will see itself not pretty at all.

Yeah I love being in the rain, be soaked.. Feel the pure water droping over me.. I love to sing and dance in the rain.. It would even better to kiss someone in the rain :P
But I really hate to be in my room when it rains.. Because I would be so depressed.. To just see the rain, it feels so dark and prisoned.. But to be in the rain, feels so great!

I even used to go out in the rain when I was a kidd. Out to our garden.. and just go round and round in cirkels under the rain.. and laugh untill my mum being angry at me and takes me inside and tell me to change my cloths.. And with my sadness to not being able to continue to dance in the rain, I go and change my clothes, like I have been told to..

I have tried "kvasten" "jetline" "extreme" "kättingflygaren" "pop-expressen" and "rock-jet"
but not "fritt fall" nor "tele2 insane"
But this summer I will go all these! Yiiihaaa! ^^

kättingflygaren
bläckfisken
extreme
kvasten
fritt fall
tele2 insane
pop- expressen
rock-jet
jetline

No tengo alguna fuerza en mis sentimientos
Estoy impotente
Necesito tuya ayuda
Estoy sin recursos
No sé que voy a hacer
No sé que me siento
Por favor, me ayudas mí angél
Me derrumbo

O I love May
the month of singing birds
the month of my birth

O May
You are the best time in the year
You give the birth to everything
You make the trees be green
You make the air be warm
O May
You are the month of happiness and joy
You are the month of laughs

O May
you are the month I most love
You make me happy and safe
you make me be so glad and alive
You are the one who welcomed me to this world

You are always in my mind & I really mean it...
" When it rains we don't see the sun, but it is there..
so I wish we be like that don't see each other but we are always there..."



I believe everyone of us is a star, lighting in the night,
so we need each other through out the dark moments..



I'm here for you whenever you ask...



Praying and asking the GOD to give you the happiness and the best of your wishes.



I miss you deeply and this is more dangerous than the street in the night.



Your heart is like crystal
I know everything in it..



Say like this:
"The bus missed you"
Trust in me every night
every bus dream that he will be touched by your feet in the morning.



Who said I don't care, or I'll forget you?
Can I do?....



You know. I hope I had never seen you
and never will see you again.
But I hope you find the real love and be lucky..
There is a beautiful love, don't lose it when you find it.
Hope I can forget you forever..
I know I'll miss you, that much it can kills me,
but I'll go on..
Don't worry if you hurt me, because that was in the end my fault.
I should just treat you like I treat the strangers.
Take care of yourself..
Want you to know, I 'll never hate you
I'll hate myself first, if it happened.
With all my love to you.. Good bye forever



You tell me, you are in love with me..
then after 23 hours you tell me you will forget me forever!
Is that what I really deserve from you?
What do you think of me?
That I am a joy, a stone, a criminal..?
Then what crime did I do to lose you?
Who gave you the right to jugge me, to hurt me and yourself
You are so wrong!
Please, just one time think about others!



"Without you I don't think I can live,
I wish I could give the world to you..
But love is all I have to give"




"You are to me like the sun,
so warm in the sky,
like sweet summer rain,
as soft as a sigh.
You are like the ocean so deep..."



"I can see the first leaf falling,
it's all yellow and nice,
it's all very cold outside
like the way I am feeling inside."


You are the only thing nice in this birthday..my lovely wafla

O, my love
if you just knew how it burns inside
If you just knew what I am going throu
O what painful feelings I have got to myself

Whenever I feel strong and wanting to leave you behind
You come to me and break the strangth so easy
Whenever I thought I am happy and can go on by my self
you come to me and bring the memorise of you
and making me so weak again

O my Lord
I feel in such pain when he is so cold
I feel dying when he is so far away
I feel breaking when I hear all the bad things about him

O my Lord
end all of this pain
I am begging you
Every secounds became so more painful
I feel in such pain because I feel him with me where ever I was
I am feeling him inside of me
I feel his heart beating in my heart

My Lord
I am so thirsty for seeing him
Thirsty like one in a desert with no water

O my love
if you just knew how many times
I wished I could end this pain
How I wished I could end all of this
in just some secounds

Don't think that I didn't try
but whenever I tried I thought about everyone els
My life is not just for my sake
I have to keep breathing because of others
My mum would surely not have the streangth to take this
I would destroy my own family
I would desroy everyone who loved me once
And then I just regreet that I even thought about ending my life

I have to keep breathing because of others
While I am allready dead
O, you made me teach myself to continue my life with this pain
which is killing me slowly

Oh I love that. I used to sit in the darkness and watch the flash of lights.
Know it's dangerous sometimes, but not if it's far away.

O my
something throttling me
I can hardly breath

Oh...
The time is running away from me
And I can not do anything but watch

Is it because the weather I am feeling this?
Or because I feel so lonely right now
or because of the emtiness I am feeling inside

I hate the gray sky outside in the middle of the day!
It make me be depressed!

Believe in yourself and you'll fly high

From this very day I will change myself
To the better off course
I will open my eyes and see this world
I will enjoy this life

Just a dream?
No it is not a dream
I have even made some progress
I went out and run 4 kilometers
and even trained my jodo-skill beside the river which is near home
I was yesterday 56,5 kg
and I am now 55 kg and I am so happy for that
but I want to be 52 kg so... I have to train abit more and eat more often, but less
Well I know I think so much about my wight and my body
but who doesn't ?

I even have a good humour these days
Well I am soo happy
I am really enjoying of living my life
Nothing is really worth to be sad for
or to be worried about
everything has a solution

I just have to say something

Leave your past behind
and don't go and bring it again
The past have to be past
Live your life
and enjoy it
Be happy for who you are
You are special and unic
You can make changes in this world
That's why you are here
To make changes
for good
So you will feel well

and never let thing be late
Because it will make you be depressed in the end
Do what ever you have to do now
Do things in the right time
think about the important things before taking any decesion

Just take the life simple
Just think about things which make you relifed
Things which make you lucky
And stop doing things which make you be worried
which make you depressed
or be sad

The life is really short

Ah Off course..
I was with my class in friday
It is my first time I am so social
We were at restaurang first and then we went to cinema
^^ We had so much fun!

I maybe have  to do it more often
I will even see my three friends, I hope this week
Since we have east-hoilday ^^

Sitting here under the shower
the warm water is hitting me like needles
My mind is so confused
even my soul
The world is going just around me
to make me more lost
I dont know if it's the water
or the tears streaming from my eyes
I just wish I wasn't born
into this impossible-understanding-world
I lied down and wished I could disapear
I made my self so small I could
but it didnt work to be really small
I turned it more warm water than it was
I felt like whole my skin tured to red and began to burn
maybe it would awaking me from this nightmare I have

The warm water would at least be just a little punnishment
of my weakness
maybe it would take away my sorrow
I wish I could just disapear from this world
so I won't make more misstakes than I allready have
I just wish I wasn't alive
so I won't make them more dispointed
I am not like them
And I can't be like them
All I do is to make them be shamed of me
All I do is to take them down
All I wished was to see them happy once
just to make them proud of me
and look what I have done
just have made them dissapointed
that's all what I can

I blame them for not showing me some love
I blame them to teeling me what to do
But the real reason is that I am worthless
I can do nothing in this world
as human I am good for nothing
And I have no good behavior to them
thous I love
I make them just sad and disapointed
But the truth I am nothing without them
I can't even take a single step without my lovely mother
not even my lovely sister which I argue with
every single minute
I love them with all I've got
And I really want to be that person who they can be proud of
If just I could be someone else...

Today happend something so suddenly
Hmm...
I just slipped from the bike (again)
But this time was really serious one
I did break my cheek-bone
I did even have brain concussion

well someone did give me a ride to school
After that I was begging her to give me ride to school
Because I will be late if I just stood here
And off curse I couldn't bike then

I was at school for quit 3-4 hours
After that I did "fight" with the school-sister
Because she was so crazy about that I am here at school
While I had such accident
And because my whole face was swollen
I fell on my half face and half head
I did even bleed from my face
Not that much but it was bleeding
So she did give me some help to go to the class and with the books
And there she told everyone to take care of me
So embresing !
Even more when everyone saw me with that eim!
Maybe because of my swolen face

But then I couldn't stand the pain I had in my head and my face
I even did feel so bad
Just wanted throw up
So I did bike home
Don't know how I could
Because I couldn't even stand on my feet
But then when I was home
My mum just became ill when she saw me

Then I did go to hospital and I was there for couple of hours
from 2 to 6
And then when they took tests and was finnished I just wanted go home so I did
But they said that they will call me to see me after one week
And they even said that I maybe had to do an operation
Because of my broken cheek-bone
And when I heard it
I couldn't stop to "laugh"
can you belive it?
Laughing because my face would be so ugly, if I did the operation
But I wanted really to cry instead but I can't cry infront of someone so I began to laugh
But anyway they will call me after one week

well I even have good news too
Which I knew today
I have MVG in biology
And in chemistry!
yeah!!
I just wanted to shoot out and jump
But I couldn't because of the pain I had when I get knew the results of my test
 But I am really happy!
While I feel in pain now soo much
You can't even imagine the pain I am feeling now
I feel like whole my head is going to break to two!

Today I was so close to the death
But GOD "loves" me so much, HE saved me
I just wrenched my foot and my skin on my leg and hands was totaly rubbed down
And when they helped me to stand again on my feet, I couldnt stand, I just shaked as hell!
Hehe maybe because I was sceard like hell, more than I had pain.
I just didnt see the car when it came in front of me, and then I just slipped from the bike right away under the car.
But here I go, I am alive again! Dont think that you can be free from me that easy!! :P

I am happy !!
Its even weekend ^^